I did my final show last night and when I started penning my tales of the high seas I vowed to myself I wouldn't talk about the shows on my blog
which I won't, but I do want to draw upon how extremely lucky I feel to have been able to entertain four separate sets of audiences in 22 days, work for a cruise line I deem to be one of the best in the world (its frequently voted so) and to have started an impressive 'base tan' upon which I can pile bottles and bottles of St Tropez before my bridesmaid dress trying-on session next week. As we are all aware, brown is the new skinny.
My fabulous sister in law to be has arranged for us to go try on some 'fancy frocks' next week and whilst I am V Excited at the prospect of a girlie lunch with her, both of our mums and the rest of the bridesbirds, I can't help wishing I'd had another couple of months to fight the flab before the eventuality. I've been to the gym as often as I could manage this last contract and whilst I LOATHE every second of sweating in a public place I realise that at my age exercise is not only the most successful way to try and pinch an inch but undoubtedly the best way to assist in coping with the arduous amount of travelling that comes with my charmed life. The travelling in my opinion is the bit we get paid for. I took 88 flights last year in and out of the UK and over the last three years alone have taken over 250 flights in and out of Manchester airport so whilst I am we'll aware I will never die of overwork, there is a distinct possibility I ill die from deep vein thrombosis.You take the rough with the smooth though right?
Tomorrow I fly Barbados to Miami (where I have to pick up and re check my bags as its the first stop of the trip in the US) Miami to Heathrow and Heathrow to Manchester. This is why it takes so many flights to get to and from the ships... Cause we very rarely fly direct. Ill leave the ship tomorrow around noon and get home on Thursday around 3pm. I'm going to treat myself to... You guessed it A TAXI!!! Home from Manchester as most of my relatives will be at work at that time and steve is in Thailand.
I have a regular taxi firm I use in Bolton all the time, primarily because they will come out for me at 4am in the morning to do an airport run and have never let me down yet, but honestly because Mo and Sal, the alacritous brothers that own the firm "Timewise taxis" are comedy geniuses. You can't learn timing like theirs. They never cease to make me laugh. I think I'll need that after my journey.
Currently, I am drinking a strawberry daiquiri waiting to meet with the other entertainer and his pals at a bar in St Kitts. The port area is large and built up here with every store selling almost identical merchandise. The most disconcerting experience in st kitts is the giant Rasta guys who parade tiny monkeys in nappies around the terminal area in a bid for you to pay to have your picture taken with what is pretty much an incontinent rat in a cuter outfit.
I mean no disrespect to all you furball lovers out there, but those of you who know me will concur that I am not indeed an animal enthusiast in the least, I mean them no harm essentially but prefer them between two slices of bread. Controversial I know but I think this stems from the time my brother, maybe only 6 or 7 at the time was bitten by a neighbours dog. It's not so much the physical scars he may have acquired as a result of this unsolicited attack that has perturbed me but more what occurred directly as a result of it. My mother in a fit of uncharacteristic rage, frog marched my bawling sibling down the street to confront said neighbour about the frenzied attack (insert "little nip that didn't really break the skin" here) and proceeded to yank his pants down in the STREET to show the canine owner the ever reddening results of her pets plight much to my screaming brothers dismay. Seeing him "revealed " in that way left a long lasting impression on me that animals do indeed inadvertently mean naked public screaming. That's just how it is.
So now after one daiquiri and no breakfast I have been joined by Fred Klett (amazing comedian) and Jenny Baker (amazing documentation officer) and Doug McMillan (world class guitar hero) and am making the most of my final day of sunshine before I have to hide my tan beneath 14 layers of clothes.
And so now after 23 days away, I am thoroughly sick of putting make up and a dress on EVERY NIGHT and though I've loved every minute of performing and being part of the team on two very different but very lovely Celebrity ships, I have an appointment on Thursday night with a 'China Rooms' take away, 40 odd sky plus episodes of Emmerdale and Steves onesie.
Bliss.
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